Letters to Sebastian
by subwaytonowhere
Summary: When Sebastian dies in a car accident, a grieving Blaine continues to send him emails. Seblaine. One-shot. Complete. Warning for character death and dark themes. If you hate character death, then don't read.


**A/N: Hello, guys. **

**Back in December, I was scrolling through the Seblaine fics on here, and I was dismayed to find that the Seblaine tag on here was seriously lacking in angst. So, somewhere around then I got the idea for this and started writing it, but then didn't finish it. Recently, I was thinking about it, and I pulled up the document and decided to go ahead and finish it and post it. **

**If you absolutely hate character death, then DO NOT READ THIS. JUST TURN BACK AND READ SOMETHING ELSE. Thank you. **

**This fic isn't the most Kurt-friendly one in the world, and this fic also deals with some alcoholism, depressive behaviors, and an implied suicide attempt, so be wary of that. **

**Also, I know that this isn't written very well, but I thought that anyone who likes angst might appreciate it. Seriously, what do I have to do for more Seblaine angst?**

**Don't own Glee or any characters that appear here.**

**I'll stop rambling. Thanks.**

* * *

To: Sebastian Smythe [smythes ]

From: Blaine Anderson [broadwayboundblaine ]

Subject: Hey

Hey Sebastian,

Nick says you're out tonight. When you get back, please call me. Katy Perry's new single just came out, and it is amazing. I need someone to fangirl with. Hope to talk to you soon.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

I just got the call. Please tell me that this is another one of your stupid jokes. Please tell me that you're just going to jump out and surprise me and say "psych".

They're all crazy. There's no way that you could be dead. You're only seventeen. Seventeen-year-olds don't die.

Please come back and tell them that they're crazy. Please.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

Today was your funeral. A lot of people came. All of your family was there. There were lots of people from Dalton there too. Almost the entire school came. Mr. Schue forced the glee club to go, although I didn't need any forcing. I would have been there even if Mr. Schue hadn't made the entire glee club come.

The Warblers sang at the funeral. I sang with them. We sang "Let it Be" by The Beatles and "Seasons of Love" from RENT for you. Then, Nick and Jeff did a duet of "The Scientist" by Coldplay. Did you know that Jeff plays guitar? I didn't know that. I feel like I should have.

Puck said that the whole thing was gay, but everyone else seemed to enjoy our performance. I hope that wherever you are, you got to hear it.

The whole thing was really sad. Your mom cried a lot. Your dad made a joke about how you would do anything to get out of Ohio; even get hit by a car and die. Nobody laughed at it. Almost everyone there cried at one point. I even saw Santana Lopez shed a tear.

See? Everybody misses you. Even the people who hated you when you were alive wish that you were still here. I hope that wherever you are, you're happy now. Miss you.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

Today I helped the Warblers clean out your dorm room. It was really sad, but your parents would like your stuff back, and we wanted to spare them the pain of having to come clean it out themselves. So together, we all went and packed your stuff away into boxes.

Most of it was just clothes and stuff, but your parents said that we could keep whatever we wanted. I think Jeff took one of your ties. I kept one of your blazers. In fact, I'm wearing it right now. It still smells like you. I can even see where you spilled wine on your blazer piping.

Remember when you called me and asked me how to get wine out of your blazer piping? And I said I didn't? I thought you were going to have a heart attack because you were laughing so hard. I never understood why you'd laughed then. Maybe you were drunk that night. I guess now I'll never know.

Wearing your blazer really makes me wish you were here. I miss you a lot, Sebastian.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

In English class we have to write stories. I'm writing mine about you. About us. I have it all planned out. It starts out with these two boys. They're best friends. Then one day, the first guy meets this other guy. And they instantly become friends, but the second boy gets jealous. Then the third boy pulls some mean tricks to try to get the first guy to get rid of the second guy, but it doesn't work. Finally, the first boy forgives him, but the second boy still holds a grudge that sometimes affects his friendship with the first guy. Then the third guy gets into a car accident.

Our teacher recommended that we write something based off of our life. This is what I came up with. It's a lot like my life, obviously. The first boy is me, the second boy is Kurt, and the third boy is you. I decided to make Kurt and I best friends instead of boyfriends because some of the homophobic assholes from the football team are in my English class, and my teacher said we all have to read our stories to the class when we're done. Stupid I know.

But here's the twist: when your character gets into a car accident, he lives. And then the second guy finally forgives him, and they all become best friends.

It's the happy ending that you never got to have.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

So, today we read our stories to the class. Nobody clapped when I read mine, but my teacher gave me an A and then sent me to Miss Pillsbury. I stayed in her office for the better part of an hour while she tried to help me find "coping strategies" to help me. She suggested that I visit your grave or maybe design a memorial for you or write you letters or something.

I don't know if I'm ready to visit your grave quite yet. I don't know how to design a memorial. And I'm already sending you letters…well, emails. I can't really tell if it's helping or not. Sometimes it does actually make me feel better. Sometimes, I just feel crazy, though.

It's weird, Sebastian. Living without you is weird.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

Kurt took me to see your grave today. He said we were going out for coffee, but he took me to the graveyard instead. I couldn't bring myself to really say anything. I just sat by your grave and stared at the headstone for a while until Kurt finally pulled me away. Then we did stop for coffee.

I never knew that your middle name was Ezra. I like that a lot. Sebastian Ezra Smythe. It just sounds so smooth together. I wish you'd told me that when you were still alive.

Kurt said he's really concerned about me. According to him, I'm letting my grief take over my life. To be honest, I think he's just being paranoid. I'm fine.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

Happy Birthday. I wish you were here to celebrate it.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

Happy New Year.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

So, Kurt found out about the emails. He flipped out. He told me to stop because it's really unhealthy. But I don't think it's that unhealthy. I think it's how I cope. It makes me feel like I can still reach you, even though I can't anymore.

I tried to tell him that, but the words couldn't come out right. We got into a huge fight, and then he left. We'll work it out later.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

Kurt left me today. As in, he broke up with me. He said that I care more about "some dead person" more than I care about him. He also said that my grief has taken over my life, and he can't even get through to me anymore. He said that he can't help me anymore, and that I deserve someone that can help me. He wants me to get some help. Maybe we can try again when I'm better, but until then, we're through.

I'm not gonna lie. It really hurts. But at the same time, I understand. I'm a complete mess, Sebastian. I'm a complete mess.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

I am so drunk right now. Granted, it never took much alcohol to get me drunk, but I don't even care right now hahahaahahahahahaha

I don't care anymore, Sebastian. I don't care anymore. I've lost you. I've lost Kurt. There are lots of people who don't even talk to me anymore. I've lost everyone, Sebastian. I've lost everything I care about.

And that's why I'm drinking. There's no one to care enough to make me stop.

I'm all alone, Sebastian. All alone.

Come back. Please. For me.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

I've decided that I can't live like this anymore.

I'll see you soon.

-Blaine

* * *

Hey Sebastian,

I'm sorry about the last email I sent you. I wasn't thinking straight. I don't really want to talk about what happened next, but I'm okay now.

I'm working on healing now. I'm making good progress. Kurt and I are talking to each other again, but we're still broken up. Part of me wants for it to stay that way for now.

You didn't deserve the one-night hookups that you seemed to like. You deserved love. Real love. And I feel like I should have been the one to give it to you. There was a lot of opportunity for it, especially after the cheating incident. But I was so obsessed over Kurt that I missed my window.

This feels like a goodbye, but it's not.

I wish you were still alive. I wish that you'd gotten to find someone that made you happy. I wish you'd gotten to graduate and go to college and grow up and fall in love and have a career and sing a lot, but your life was cut short. I will forever be sorry for that.

Don't worry about me anymore. I'll be fine, I promise. It really isn't fair how I get to have a full life but you don't, but I can't dwell on that anymore. I have to keep living, keep moving. I want to live for both of us now.

Even though you weren't sick, I really hope that you're at peace now. Wherever you are right now, Sebastian, I hope it's great.

-Blaine


End file.
